If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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