Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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