I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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