quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
