if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
