i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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