I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
