i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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