had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
