every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
