You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
