She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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