mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
