go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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