Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
