I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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