Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
