Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i believe in u and ur pee
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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