I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
