it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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