she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
