I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
