did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
