you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
