My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
