marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
