Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
