the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize