I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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