Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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