It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
