Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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