i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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