Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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