I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
