Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
