I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
