Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
