I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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