It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
