he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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