I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
