im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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