come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
