Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
