Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
3pm strippers are depressing
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Randomize
