I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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