Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
