I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
please come you make the beer taste better
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
