You smell like a Billy Joel song
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
