he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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