i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
