Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
