my vag is so smooth its legendary
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We just shotgunned beers for America
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
