did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
