ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
